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Hávamál for Dummies!  |
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Hávamál (sayings of the high one) is a collection of old Norse poems that were written down in Iceland around year 1270, a part of the elder Edda in Konungsbók/Codex Regius (although some stanzas can be traced as far back as the 800-900s). The poem is attributed to Óðinn, and each of the 164 stanzas contain wisdom and advice for various aspects of life, proper conduct, ethics and behavior.
The original poem is intensely beautiful and can be read in normalized Norse here.
But as the title of this blog post suggests, the following is a slightly more humorous version of Hávamál!
It is a translation and modification of an absolutely great post by blogger Ole Ekelund at Snarglebarf.com, describing the essence of each stanza in a new way. Even though it is brimmed with wit and sarcasm, having read through and analyzed every stanza in both Norwegian and old-Icelandic in the process of translating, I vouch for this being high-class nerdy humor.
Here goes! Prepare for vulgar (and slightly blasphemic) simplification!
- 1. Use your eyes.
- 2. Don't leave your guests hanging at the door.
- 3. Keep your guests warm.
- 4. Make sure your guests get to wash their hands.
- 5. Be smart (or else you'll look stupid in front of people).
- 6. But don't go around bragging about it.
- 7. Pay attention.
- 8. It's nice when other when people brag about you.
- 9. It's nice to be smart. People often say stupid stuff.
- 10. It's nice to be smart. Being smart is worth more than treasure (which is nice to know for poor people).
- 11. It's nice to be smart. It's stupid to be too drunk.
- 12. There's a significant positive correlation between amount of beer and amount of stupid.
- 13. Drinking makes you forget stuff. I got drunk at Gunnlaðar's place once.
- 14. I also got really drunk at Fjalar's place once. Luckily, I got sober again.
- 15. Shut up. Be happy. Learn how to use a weapon.
- 16. It is lame to be a sissy. Better to die in battle.
- 17. A stupid man walked into a bar. He drank a sip, and now he won't shut up.
- 18. Nobody knows what smart people are thinking.
- 19. Don't be cheap, but don't drink too much either. Go to bed early.
- 20. Don't be greedy with food. Your gut will make you look silly.
- 21. I said don't be so damn greedy.
- 22. Speak for yourself.
- 23. Don't lie awake and ruminate.
- 24. People who smile and are nice can still be bad people.
- 25. People who smile and are nice can still be bad people.
- 26. Don't think you're so damn smart.
- 27. Shut up.
- 28. Ask the right questions and know how to answer. People will always be talking shit.
- 29. Shut up.
- 30. Don't mock people.
- 31. If you insist on being an asshole, please leave.
- 32. People often fight at parties.
- 33. Eat before going to visit someone (see part 20). Talk to people (but not too much, see part 27-30).
- 34. Don't hang around with lame people. You can use e-mail, messenger or Skype to chat with
good friends instead.
- 35. Go home at a reasonable hour. Or else people might get bored with you.
- 36. Better to live in a tiny flat than to live on the street.
- 37. And a frozen pizza is better than nothing.
- 38. Keep an eye on your weapons.
- 39. Everyone likes cash and gifts.
- 40. Look after your stuff, things can get fucked up quickly.
- 41. Exchange gifts with your friends (see part 39).
- 42. Be nice to people that are nice to you. Screw the rest.
- 43. Be friends with your friends and your friends' friends, but don't be friends with the friends of
people who are not your friends.
- 44. If you have a friend whom you really like, give him gifts and visit him often.
- 45. If you have another whom you don't trust, lie to them to get what you want.
- 46. Sometimes it's clever to pretend to be friends with those you don't trust.
- 47. Being a bit gay never hurt nobody.
- 48. Sucks to be a sissy. Sucks to be cheap.
- 49. And naked.
- 50. It's nice to have people who love you.
- 51. Bad friendships burn hot but short.
- 52. Gifts don't have to be that big.
- 53. There are a lot of half-wits in the world.
- 54. You don't need to be so damn smart.
- 55. No reason to be so damn smart.
- 56. Don't be so damn smart.
- 57. Be with people and people will speak of you.
- 58. Don't just lie there, get up.
- 59. Get up, lazy. Don't just lie there.
- 60. Pay the electric bill.
- 61. You might be poor, no reason to be ashamed. But it's no reason to be smelly.
- 62. It's good to have friends.
- 63. One person has a secret. Two people might have a secret. If three people know, the whole
world knows.
- 64. Don't be so damn tough.
- 65. Choose your words wisely, they may come back to bite you.
- 66. Don't be too early, don't be too late.
- 67. It's best to visit people who have food.
- 68. Keep warm.
- 69. You can be alright even though you're ill.
- 70. Better to be alive than dead.
- 71. Most people can be useful. Better to be crippled than dead.
- 72. It's nice to have a son.
- 73. Shut up.
- 74. Remember to pack lunch.
- 75. Money can make people crazy. Don't be greedy. Take care of your own business.
- 76. Its' nice when people speak well of you. Even if you're dead.
- 77. Follow the advice above, and your reputation will be good.
- 78. Easy come, easy go.
- 79. Being rich or popular with women won't make you smarter.
- 80. Shut up.
- 81. It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
- 82. Never pee into headwind. Ships, shields, swords and maidens are useful for different things.
- 83. Buy stained swords and skinny horses and fix them up at home. Cheaper that way.
- 84. Don't trust women.
- 85-89. Don't trust women, poor equipment or stupid kids.
- 90. Don't trust the love of deceitful women.
- 91. But I'll be honest. You cant' trust men either (at least when it concerns women).
- 92. Don't tell her she's fat. Bring her gifts.
- 93. Don't trust women, but don't make fun of those who do.
- 94. Being horny makes you stupid, but shit happens.
- 95. Being without love makes you unhappy. Be happy.
- 96. I was lovesick once.
- 97. Reeally lovesick.
- 98. And then she was like: "Come back when its dark".
- 99. I thought I would get her heart and pleasure.
- 100. And when I came back her dad was awake.
- 101. I went back in the morning, but she was gone.
- 102. So I didn't get her. That wise-ass woman tricked me.
- 103. Be cheerful, talk about nice things, you can't just shut up all the time.
- 104-111. I was out on a trip once and met the good woman Gunnlöð. She gave me some nice
things, I stole some nice things, and then I left.
- 112. Hey, Loddfávnir, listen up.
- 113-114. Don't sleep with women who are skilled in magic.
- 115. Don't sleep with another mans wife.
- 116. Pack lunch.
- 117. Don't tell bad people about your misfortune.
- 118. Don't trust bad women, I knew a guy who got killed for it.
- 119. Visit your friend.
- 120. It's nice to have friends.
- 121. Be a good friend.
- 122. Don't quarrel with idiots.
- 123. It's nice being praised. Idiots won't praise you.
- 124. But you can't trust those who only say what you want to hear either.
- 125. Don't quarrel with idiots.
- 126. Wear your own shoes.
- 127. If someone messes with you, speak up.
- 128. Bad stuff won't make you happy. Be happy for the good things in life.
- 129. Pay attention.
- 130. If you want a good woman, make her promises, and keep them.
- 131. Don't drink too much, don't sleep with other peoples wives, get insurance.
- 132. Don't make fun of guests or wanderers.
- 133. Everyone's good for something.
- 134. Old people, too.
- 135. Be hospitable.
- 136. Hang a horse shoe over your door.
- 137. Buy Aspirin before going out.
- 138. I once hung from a tree for nine days, without food and drink.
- 139. Then I fell down.
- 140. And then I got a cup of mead. The really good stuff.
- 141-142. I felt really smart.
- 143. I taught people the runes. Dáinn taught the elves, Dvalinn the dwarves, and Ásviðr the
giants.
- 144. Can you write?
- 145. Don't overdo it.
- 146-163. I can do all kinds of magic.
- 164. Thank you, and good luck.
That's it, I guess. Simply follow these general guidelines and you should be ok... ^^
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